Gifts Follow Need

Packing for my trip I was unaware that the UK was expecting the coldest May in 100 years, so when we were sorting out the last of my mother's effects on Patmos, I took one of her winter hats and warm gloves simply because I liked them. I had no idea I would be wearing them a week later! Today, the outside temperature is a damp and chilly 50 degrees (8 C), unseasonal for Oxford by anyone's calculation.


I do love synchronicities, and often the best gifts turn up that way. Turns out my granddaughter's schedule is rather full Monday through Thursday so four days of the week are wide open for anything I care to pursue.

Just around the corner from my stepsister Sarah's house where I am currently staying warm, dry and well fed, is the UK headquarters of Barefoot Books, and a colorful store and café. I first came across this publisher at last year's Albany Arts and Green Festival so I popped in and asked if they needed volunteers. "Oh yes," I was told immediately, "Would you like to read stories in the afternoon?" What could be better?! Today, they say, is Grandparents' Day so I'm scheduled to read there Monday at 4 pm.

Since the intention on this trip is to rely on gifted places to stay rather than paid ones, I sent messages to like-minded Oxford groups I found on the Internet before setting out from Albany, and asked if anyone needed a housesitter. (House sitting here one does free of charge in exchange for the use of the house). By the time I left the US I'd heard little back, and the question of where I'd be based for most of this excessively long period was still up in the air. I would like to think I remained sanguine. After all, "Something always turns up."

And now, only a week after being able to retrieve my emails again, I have four housesitting offers that cover my entire stay including the odd days when Leonard and I will be back in Oxford during his month-long visit.  All these generous people responded to a request I sent to Low Carbon Headington, Headington being the part of Oxford in which my son lives.

So far I have actually met only one of these kind people. Judi and I had a wonderful morning discovering our common interests, which included circle and liturgical dance and old children's books (she has a huge collection that includes all my favorites, so I won't be short of reading matter!) My main task at her house will be watering the garden and eating the homegrown vegetables.

I had a contrasting experience at my first port of call in Oxford with a couchsurfer we shall name Lee. Lee is a man of my age and a long-time member of the couchsurfing community with many enthusiastic references from people of all sorts. He provided a bedroom and sole use of a large bathroom, simple and clean.

One of the attractions of staying with this man was that he described himself as a "freegan," obtaining most of what he needs by dumpster diving (liberating perfectly good food and other items that are destined for the landfill) and volunteering with a Food Bank. Though he lives simply, he doesn't appear to lack for anything.

Things started well but ended badly. He was externally warm and welcoming but I was so intent on exercising my "receiving" muscle (even though my "need" to live on less money is a choice rather than a necessity at this point) that I didn't pick up on some pretty broad hints. I could have taken him up on his suggestion to eat good food at the pub down the road where they had free wi-fi, for instance. Instead, I got caught between not knowing how much I could ask him for and trying to be more open to receive, with the unfortunate result that I was hungry in a house full of free food. (His couchsurfing (CS) profile actually states he only occasionally offers to share meals, but I had forgotten that).

So, after several lively conversations, a nice drink at the pub, and my personal introduction to one of the better dumpsters (skips) in the area, our relationship fell apart. Lee expected me to pick up on his idiosyncratic lifestyle habits, and took exception to what he perceived as my desire to abuse his trust and take liberties with the limited download ability of his wi-fi connection.

One aspect of the CS lifestyle is giving back; one of our CS guests in Albany gave us a book she had written on living without money, another transcribed music for us, another took us out for a meal. I could have accepted Lee's invitation to bring cheer to an old friend living alone instead of opting to stay home for a phone conversation with my husband that didn't happen anyway.

Lee also expressed impatience with "freeloaders," people who use the CS network simply to avoid paying for a place to stay. Did he think of me as one of them? He certainly had his own issues – he's "at war" (his words) with both his neighbors – so in the end, we parted ways with a handshake.

My lesson? "Life always provides what I need" – even when it's an uncomfortable lesson.

There's clearly more to gift culture than meets the eye. Here is a penetrating and worthwhile piece by Charles Eisenstein.